Making stuff as a founder of Avocado. Former music-maker. Tuna melt advocate. Started Google Reader. (But smarter people made it great.)

How to Make A Man Bloody


1. Manufacture Consent
Often, a man will choose to fight with a weapon instead of resorting to the slap and tickle of hand-to-hand combat. But he is likely harboring the same need as yourself, namely: a non-lethal dance of pain and physical confrontation. Try and manuever him socially into a point-of-no-return, whereby he cannot back out from a fist-fight without losing face. Constant poking is excellent provocation.

2. Do Not Stop
Competing instincts will insure a series of conflicted moments where you are both 1.) concerned for his well-being and 2.) yearning to accomplish a bloody catharsis. I recommend Not Stopping. The less time for Reason to creep back up your spinal column - the more likely you will beat anyone, anytime, bloody or otherwise.

3. Go For The Face
Have you ever tried to light a fire with wood and tinder? You could be there all night. Meaning: it's difficult to beat a man bloody by striking his midsection. You'll get tired quickly. Concentrate your effort on areas where capillaries are near the surface and where blunt-edged blows will have the best chance of breaking the skin and getting a healthy arterial flow.

4. You Are Jennifer
It helps if you are Jennifer. Meaning: regardless of gender, pick a name in your native tongue that is generally considered outside the normal scope of machismo. Then, during a fight, you should say something like: "I am Jennifer. Jennifer is kicking your ass." In most cases, this role-playing - this pathology - will ironically spawn an unrealistic self-image of increased machismo - and harder hitting. Resulting, usually, in a bloodier result.

5, "Blow, Crack Your cheeks! Rage! Blow!" Laugh Like Lear - Like the Damned.

You are engaged in what passes for a noble pursuit these days. Your knuckles will swell. You will not be able to hold a spoon evenly. You will not be able to sing "Rainy Days and Mondays" while playing the drums. You will become desensitized, numb to suffering - yours or others. Think of this ahead of time, and laugh, like bubbling lava from a deep, wounded chasm. Laugh like the very Damned. There is little hope for you.

Which is good. This will allow you to repeatedly hit a bloody area in order to generate the desired result.

Posted at February 12, 2003 11:39 PM
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